The Right to Remain Silent

If you've ever watched a cop show on television, you've heard these words: "You have the right to remain silent." It was funny, though, when I recently heard a preacher say the same thing-- We have a God-given right to keep our mouths shut. Usually on those cop shows, the accused does not keep his or her mouth shut. And a lot of times, neither do we.

I don't know how many times I've told myself NOT to say something, and then-- POW! It pops right out of my mouth as if I'd never thought of stopping it at all. Does this ever happen to you? If those words don't get me in trouble, then they usually create a strain in a relationship. Or a scowl, at the least.

When should we remain silent? It depends on whether our words would help the situation. Will our observations or opinions help the other person? Or will they tear them down-- even a notch? Will our contributions to the conversation make someone feel better? Then, say them! Will they diminish the other person in any way? Then, keep silent.

Oh, but to tell the difference in a few seconds, in the middle of a conversation? That's difficult, to be sure. It's even more difficult when our words may not necessarily harm another, but may "steal their thunder." For example, my friend is telling me about what a great weekend she had-- a great concert, a beautiful moment with her kids, a reward she earned. It's a great story, one to which an appropriate response would be:

"That's great!"

"Aww, what a nice thing for you to hear."

"Congratulations!"

Instead, I say, "Well, I had a great weekend, too. I went to the movies and we had a great dinner and . . . "  Or, something worse like, "Well, at least someone had a nice weekend. I spent all day Saturday cleaning a burst pipe in the basement, the kids were acting like idiots . . . "

The "instead" responses above aren't really wrong, but when said in direct response to my friend, they take away from her joy. Just a little, but just enough. When she asks how my weekend was, then I can tell her my story. And if she doesn't ask, then I try not to say anything. If I still want to share later in the day, I will tell her about it. The hardest thing is following through with the initial response of silence.

I wish I had some great tips on how to do that, but I'm afraid I'm still learning to be aware of it myself. And perhaps, that what this little observation here will do for you-- help you be aware the next time you're faced with the right to remain silent.

Everyone's Talking About You!

Some family birthdays were coming up soon, so I went to the local superstore and browsed the card racks. Those of you who know me understand I like to choose cards that make people laugh. In my search, I picked up a card that did indeed make me chuckle. It read:  "It's your birthday, and everyone's talking about you! In a good way, though, not like normal."

But later, those words started coming back to me. They reminded me of a conversation where someone couldn't remember another person's name. To clarify, the person said, "You know, the mean one." The really sad thing is, I DID know who she meant.

The question we have to ask ourselves, then, is whether we want to be the person everyone talks about as "the mean one." Or, you can substitute any other adjective-- the grumpy one, the nasty one, the angry one-- you get the picture. In many instances, we become known by the words we say and the way we say them.

How do we talk to others? Do we try to encourage them? Do we affirm their worth to us? Or do we try to "help" them by repeatedly pointing out their faults?

Believe me, I'm "right there" with everyone else when I look at my life and wonder whether someone somewhere is referring to me as "the grumpy one," "the mean one," or some other less-than-flattering name. What can we do to avoid this? Maybe the best thing is to ask God every day to help us be kind to others and to speak only words that will build up. Ask Him to guide us in being sensitive to the way our words affect others. And when we fail (as we probably will), we can ask God to help us gather the courage to apologize to the person we've hurt.

So here's to all of us gaining a new sense of how our words define how we're known to others. And may our birthday cards be uplifting ones, chosen because they reflect that quality in us.